Grief affects us all in different ways. Some of the emotions I have felt may be equal to your feelings. However, you may have other feelings that I possibly don’t resonate with. And that’s ok. We are individuals; we all have our own emotions; that’s what makes us so special. That’s what makes us who we are. I feel this is important to remember when grieving within a family. Perhaps your family have lost your Mother- your safe place. Perhaps it’s a grandparent- someone who’s been there by your side watching you as you’ve grown. Perhaps it’s a friend- someone you confided in and trusted or perhaps, like me, it’s your dad. No matter the person it is who you grieve for, it’s important to remember every relationship matters and everyone’s individual feelings deserve to be seen and received with openness and love.
Every relationship we get the chance to experience during life is a beautiful gift and that is the sad true fact, that within that gift, once it’s gone, the grief will be what takes over from that memory of the relationship you shared. At the beginning, you struggle to see past any of the bad memories, you’ll replay your last conversation, you’ll replay the last thing you did together. You punish yourself in a way by torturing yourself with the ‘What could of I said differently? Could I have done this?’ We are hard on ourselves when grieving. We all have our own journey within grief which we need to remember. It’s important to respect that and understand that, for some people, they may find it easier to move forward in life without that person. They may find it easier to look at the blessings within from sharing a life with that person. For others, they may find this a lot harder. They may battle with their own demons each day, trying to find a reason that they should stay on the earth now that person is gone.
Me and my own family are all dealing with our grief quite differently. Some are healing; some of us share and communicate more; some of us block it out and some are stuck, still in the place of what happened. However, the fact is, no matter what stage we are at on this journey, we are all learning how to be now; how to move forward now and how to rebuild. And that’s something we need to respect. We are all learning how to live in a different world without that person we loved so much.
A lot of destructiveness surrounds death. Some people will fall into depression, struggling to find any joy within their day. Some people will resort to alcohol or drugs, or other behaviours, as a way to numb that pain and this makes my heart feel so heavy. It’s awful to see; it’s crushing to witness. You feel helpless in giving that person a solution to help. You want to scoop them up as you did when they were little and take all those fears away. You want to fill their thoughts with positive memories; memories of happier times. You want to take all that pain away but you can’t. That is what is so apparent to me about our individual journeys. We can try our hardest to bring everyone onto our path, a path we perceive as better, a path that we know helps us to heal but it’s not within us to move their emotions, to release that trauma, that person needs to dig deep and find that within. To watch someone you love stay trapped in that place with their grief can feel helpless but just know that, little by little, without realising sometimes, if you are there, ready to listen, without judgment and with an open heart, you are helping that person more than you know.
I think a lot about how grief can be so different for so many and what stands out to me over time, is what my message is and will always be and that is remembering the power we hold within our human connection. If we connect, if we share those feelings of darkness, if we trust that we are safe to be open and raw, then without knowing, we are moving that trapped energy. We are expressing that trauma. We are allowing ourselves to heal without even trying. We feel seen. We feel heard. That is so important with grief. That recognition, that witnessing of your true deepest emotions. To heal and move forward with the new life you are now going to be living, we must express all these feelings. And you deserve to express them; you deserve to heal. The one you lost wouldn’t want it any other way for you. They don’t want to have you join them before it’s your time. They want you to continue to embrace this beautiful life now. They’re right beside you; willing you to carry on. Everyone you love wants this for you. You’re not alone.
Nobody ever told us this would be easy. Nobody ever told us that things wouldn’t change; that things wouldn’t be different. We can choose to embrace that and work within, as they would want, or we can choose to destruct. Remember your power. Remember your worth. Remember you matter to them, to me and to everyone who loves you. I see you within your pain. I hear you within your words and I hold you all in my heart whilst you travel your own journeys. I am here. x
A section from the book “The Gift”
The gift of the story you never got to write- By Phoebe Young
You have that brightness, that light still within you. It’s dimmed now from my absence but I know somewhere within a part of you, you still holding that sparkling light, desperate to shine. Don’t stay in the dark, my heart feels sad to see you there. Let that light breakthrough, show the world how wonderful you are.
As my blog name says- there is no textbook!“
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May 17, 2020
Beautifully written xx