A letter to you- by Tom Planner

The day I lost you, I lost a part of my soul. Life feels empty without you, it has no meaning anymore. I’m on a new journey to find myself, and that scares me. It scares me because I can’t and don’t want to think of a future without you. You always told me not to give up on myself and I’m trying desperately hard not to right now.

You will always be at the very core of my heart and my mind. Your memory will live through me until the end of my days. Our spirits have an unbreakable bond. A bond we shared from the first moment we met. The love we had couldn’t be broken. It was a love filled with trust, strength, care, affection and courage. We laughed together, we cried together, we fought together and we struggled together. I am a better person because of you. I never knew what love was until meeting you. I found not only a partner in you but a best friend and soulmate.

You were a dream come true, you were all I ever wanted, you were my perfect match. You are my one true love, my one and only. You cast a spell on me and stole my heart.

The universe can be so cruel at times. You were taken away from me at a time we should have been starting a brand new chapter in our journey together. At first I found it so hard to talk to people about you, to tell your story. I Couldn’t get any words out, instead I would cry so much it hurt… Now I tell anyone who asks to keep your story alive, to keep your memory alive for as long as possible.

The day you got the call for your transplant plays over and over in my head all the time. Seeing the smile on your face and the excitement running through your body, had me grinning from ear to ear. You deserved this opportunity so much.

It was such a long nerve wracking and emotional day. Not knowing if the donor lungs were good enough to get the go ahead. Finally after what felt like an eternity, we received the good news. I drove home that night so excited for what the future had in store for us. Then the next morning my whole world was shattered into tiny pieces. Receiving that phone call explaining everything left me feeling so angry. It’s an anger I still struggle with today. How could this have happened? What went so wrong?

Hearing the donor lungs were full of blood clots and being told by the surgeon that the lungs should never have been used floored me. But then hearing you had also suffered a stroke and the transplant team didn’t know if you would survive destroyed me!

For nearly 4 weeks you showed that fighting spirit that I had always admired you for. You are the strongest and most resilient person I know. But even you couldn’t fight forever, and this was one fight too many to you.

The day we had to say goodbye to you was the worst of my life. Hearing you had suffered from multi organ failure and the one remaining donor lung was rapidly declining broke my heart beyond repair. This is not what the outcome should have been. This was supposed to be the gift of life, not the end of life. A team or individual made a grave mistake that cost you your life. This is not acceptable.

I do take great comfort in knowing you were aware of my presence in your final moments. Talking to you and playing that video and seeing tears run down your face was a heartfelt moment. A moment that I will never forget and one that plays on repeat in my mind.

It’s now been two years since that day you gained your angel wings. And i’ll be honest with you, I feel like I’m failing at life. I don’t sleep, I don’t have motivation for life no more. It feels like I’m living to just exist, waiting to join you in spirit.

Every night I sit and look out the window. Look up to the stars, wondering what could have been. Wondering if you are watching over me. Wondering if you look down on me with a smile.

I’m struggling so much without you. I switch off to the world and shut everything and everyone out. Everyday I pretend that I’m fine. I paint on this fake smile, act a fool just to pull the wool over people’s eyes. I can’t seem to reach out for help.

My anger is one of the biggest problems I have. I fear that one day it’s going to consume me so much I know I’ll do something that I regret. Something that will land me in trouble. I try to take each day one at a time. But lately I’ve found myself not counting the days. Too many of them are wasted. I have lost passion for everything that I used to love. I have lost motivation to get simple tasks done. I’m trying to live for you as I know that’s what you would have wanted me to do, but right now I can’t. It’s been too hard since losing you.

Most of my days are spent laying in bed or sitting on the sofa just staring at my phone with a blank expression. I spend hours scrolling through social media not taking anything in because it passes the time. I wake up, go to work, come home and do nothing. I’ve become a shell of the man I used to be.

Losing you has crushed me, it’s broken my soul. I feel like I’m broken beyond repair. I have no clue on how to start to repair and rebuild myself. Because I shut myself off, there’s no one who really knows how I feel.
The whole time we were together I tried my best to protect you. I couldn’t protect you from this though, no matter how much I wanted to. There was nothing at all I could have done. Yet, I still can’t help feeling I have let you down somehow. I couldn’t keep that promise I made to you of being there the day you walked out the hospital with your new lungs. I’m devastated I never got to see you take that big breath of fresh air without struggling, without being in pain. I really struggle with this. It doesn’t sit right with me. I feel that I have let you down. I broke the one promise to you that really mattered. Deep down I know you would be so mad at me for thinking this way, but I can’t help it.

I heard a quote a little while ago that said “now I have to remember you, for longer than I’ve known you”. Every time this pops in my head my eyes feel with tears.

I miss you so much my beautiful girl. Wherever you are, fly high and forever breathe easy. Always and forever.

Behind every smile, is a new tear
Behind every new laugh, is a new feeling of sadness
Behind every thought of moving forward, is a new feeling of guilt.
Behind these eyes there is sorrow and pain.
Behind the closed door is a world of loneliness. A world where there was once happiness, joy, laughter and love.

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