For anyone finding themselves back where they started, I see you, and I am with you x
So this is something I can’t quite get my head around. It is something that recently has happened to me and my family personally, so I feel its something I can touch on.
As you all know now from reading my blog, my Dad passed away just over a year ago and that is something for me that has taken a very long time to finally feel some peace around. I still don’t feel ok with the fact he isn’t here any longer, however, it’s out of my control and something without fighting I must accept. I must begin to start afresh, begin to shape a new life without him, its important for me and I know its important to my Dad. It’s what he would have wanted for us all.
But then I would not ever imagine in a million years, that just after the year anniversary for my Dad had passed that we would awake to the news that someone else we dearly love had parted to. Yet again, we are back at the beginning again, a new journey with grief was about to begin.
I woke on Monday morning to a phone call from my Mum, she was breathless, panicked. I instantly knew something had happened. There was an instant sadness in her voice and distant emptiness. I knew once more we were about to revisit something that we sadly knew far too well. `’Grampy has gone sweetheart, in his sleep, he’s passed away”
Silence, complete silence, I had no words. Tears naturally poured from my eyes, my chest felt tight, I felt that deep ache once more in my heart, the same ache I remember so well from the day Dad passed. How can this happen? How is that fair? My family and I had just begun to piece together those broken parts, we’d just begun to see a new path, a path the 5 of us could continue to walk strongly through together without Dad following. How, right now, after the journey we had shared the last year, how could it be happening again.
It didn’t seem fair to me, I couldn’t see the rational reason that we would be back here. Back on the first page, all over again. I just didn’t understand it one bit. My mind waved back and forth searching for rationality, searching through thought after thought, hoping to find comfort within it somehow.
The sense of abandonment is a real feeling within loss. Another strong male figure from my life had left. The realisation that all these powerful men, men that would protect me and my family without question, men that would support me and my family, men that give us all nothing but a pure heart filled love, were leaving us one after the other. Question after question came to me. I felt that in the event of any more death that I was fully equipped with all the tools I would need. I saw myself as an “expert” in some way. I felt that no death could knock me like my Dad’s had. But here I was at the end of the phone, defeated. Once more collapsing into that darkness within me, the sadness, the hollowness, feeling lost, confused, and once again all alone.
I have always been a person who feels a lot of other people’s emotions, especially my family. When dad died my heart shattered every day for the pain my Mum and my Nan felt. Losing your Husband, losing a Son. Something my own being could not comprehend. And here I found myself again, the soul-crushing realisation of the pain my Grandma would be in, someone she has shared life with for over 50 years, shared so many experiences, shared so many memories, to be taken away in a moment, unable to be controlled by any of us. Like the smoke of a dying fire, wisped away into the crisp air, with no ability for you to catch that smoke as it leaves. It’s vanished, it’s no longer here for us to hold, us to see. It’s just gone.
I am incredibly close to my Mum, incredibly close. She and I have shared so many lives before, our souls are so entwined in emotions and memories, we know one another’s thought, one another’s feeling before the other speaks it. She had just lost her Dad, her guardian, her protector. This is now sadly a pain we would now both mirror, the loss of our Dads, a pain we would now both share. She had only just lost her husband, it just didn’t seem fair. The pain I knew she would now again once be in broke me, I could see her drowning in the pain, I knew that she was now going to to be back in that hazed fog of grief, back at the beginning, all over again. My heart broke.
When someone dies it also makes you re-visit emotion from previous losses. So many feelings that you thought you had under some sort of control. And emotions you felt you had expressed, all come bubbling with rage to the surface, revealing their power yet again, revealing their intensity. This is something that I wasn’t expecting. I felt prepared for any other death to come, I thought I was some sort of semi-expert. And life just proved to me once more, yet again, it’s a lesson, a new lesson every single time. Life is always in control, not me. I have never been and I never will be, in control. What will be, always, will be.
When I look at all of this and how these moments are shaping my life now. I realise I have a choice. I have a choice to allow myself to crumble into the darkness of it all, I could give up, lose hope. I could become demotivated, have a “what’s the point” attitude. But then I remember my Dad and my Grandad. I remember how they embraced life, I remember their kindness to others, their kindness to themselves. The love they held for others, all the things they gave to the world as individuals. I can see them stood together, stood somewhere beautiful, somewhere painted in blissful colours of bright light, they look at me with love, they look at me with kindness. And this reminds me over and over again of who I chose to be, who I choose to be within grief, who I choose to be now in a new chapter, yet again, in life.
Love and Light to everyone today and every other day x
We walk on the same plane, though not all can see, I am here.
I have always been here, and here is where I’ll remain.
In times of loneliness call to me, and I will hear you.
Move through the maze, ride those powerful waves, let the pain travel through you, let the grief flow, but don’t stay there, let it come, let it move, and let it leave.
We will always share the same world, our light will remain connected for eternity.
I am always right behind you, today, tomorrow, always.